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The Real Zombie Apocalypse

Posted by on 04/06/2012

In Miami, a homeless man tried to save face but his crazed attacker was too busy consuming it.

In New Jersey, a cornered man didn’t have the guts to face the cops because he’d ripped them out and thrown them.

In Maryland, a college student had a heart…and some brain.

And in Canada, a porn actor succumbed to his desire for a nosh after sex…with a side of corpse.

When the Game of Life gets this weird, you need to find the funny. It seems the end of the world predicted in December has been preempted by the Zombie Apocalypse in May.

Zombie Apocalypse?!!! Should we be shocked? Horrified? Sickened?

Of course.

But cannibalism is not exactly new. It has a long, delectable history driven by ritual, starvation, delusion, and twisted taboo-busting curiosity.

Oh, and let’s not forget healthy recycling. Or at least that’s one of the reasons given for sipping raw Placenta Smoothies on the sites dedicated to eating afterbirth. Yum!

Should we be scared of the Zombie Apocalypse?

Most definitely. But not because there’s an imminent threat of crazed, flesh-eating killers invading our cities. The truth is very few zombies eat flesh. They just don’t have the energy. They’re too lazy. Eating humans requires hunting them down and really, most zombies can’t be bothered if it doesn’t come artificially flavored, colored, preserved, and packaged.   Humans are lazy predators.  They prefer to hunt for bargains, not breakfast.

What is a zombie after all? A mindless human driven by desire to consume. Well, my friends, look around. WE ARE SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIES. [cue: ominous music]

The Zombie Apocalypse didn’t happen suddenly due to some mutating virus. We live in a world that turns people into mindless consumers of products, brands, celebrities, political BS, and prosperity gospels. We are taught not to question or think—to cede our minds to the talking heads on the screens who tell us what to believe, want, and do.  It helps that we are pumped full of simulated food-like substances and mind-altering drugs that are supposed to make us happy.  We are programmed from childhood to play a Money Game called “American Dream” where anyone can be rich and famous and fabulous. You just have to give up your conscience and be willing to kill the competition and eat them alive. The goal of this sick game is to gain status and power so people will want to eat their hearts out.

What?! That’s just wrong. And very, very real. So yes, there is a Zombie Apocalypse but the media has us focusing on a few psychotic individuals so we don’t see the real danger.

Zombies R Us.

Which is why we want to wake up all the zombie players before it’s too late and their funny bones are gnawed away.

What do you think of the real Zombie Apocalypse?  How can we stop it?

10 Responses to The Real Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Hossam

    I’m a big proponent of non-violence and would love to see our secioty rid ourselves of guns altogether. However, given the reality of the prevalence of firearms, I applaud women who learn how to shoot a gun; women need to feel that they can protect themselves and many do not feel they could kill another person to do so. I have yet to go to a shooting range, but would welcome the opportunity (zombies or no). As if you weren’t badass already, you are certainly badass now.

    • T.C. Jester

      We believe non-violence is badass. Shooting rapid-fire jokes instead of bullets is badass. And being a woman who learns how to use humor to stop violence and heal others with laughter is mega badass.

    • Yusril

      Remember one thing I say it all the time when the topic of urban zombies infrrteeing with our right to pursue happiness comes up here in Arizona IT’S BETTER TO BE JUDGED BY 12 THAN CARRIED BY SIX !!Forget the semi-automatic pistols and try a 12 gauge riot pump shotgun loaded with OO buck or deer slugs.Zombies take alot of killing sometimes.

      • T.C. Jester

        As members of the Temple of the Cosmic Joke, we refrain from using violence. Are there other effective ways to thwart zombies?

  2. Etawi

    made it through the rturpae Saturday so I posted yet again about the zombie apocalypse, because it is obviously a very serious thing because the CDC is giving preparation instructions. I

    • T.C. Jester

      We are relieved you made it through the rturpae on Saturday. They say all the best people skip it and stay put. Do you think the Zombie Apocalypse is connected to it?

    • Marwa

      I suppose I sohlud be saying It’s better to be judged by 12 than carried by six or eaten by one or more zombies and with just cause in mind I was implying urban zombie VIOLENT interference with our right to pursue happiness .

      • T.C. Jester

        Well, it’s certainly better to be judged by zombies than to be eaten by them. But it still is no picnic in the park.

What do you think?